One of the saddest, debilitating and most challenging things in life is to feel broken, feeling anxious, worthless, lonely frustrated, distressed and disgusting with yourself.
I feel so lonely and worthless. Although you have shockingly been figuratively ripped apart, you feel like you can never be put back together again. I am in extreme pain, it hurts to be alone. I ask myself all the time what even is the point.
I feel there is a dark presence following me about all the time, I just feel so distant from my own life. I put on brave faces all the time, i absolutely hate doing this, I feel so alone. It’s really difficult for me to accept that I actually have depression, I certainly don’t want to burden anyone or for people to be constantly asking me how I am and how I am feeling, and I really don’t want to worry people. I put on brave and smiling faces so I can avoid questions like is there anything I can do to help you? Or do you want to talk, inside I am screaming. I don’t want to feel like I am being judged or discriminated, or people looked at me with disgust and shame.
They are days when I ask myself, what even is the point, why I am staying here, why I am living. Most times I don’t even have an answer. Most times I just don’t want to be here anymore, and those are the toughest and most difficult thoughts to deal with. But the days that I truly cherish and make the most of are the ones where I’m so overwhelmed with happiness that it feels like I can beat this depression. That happiness I believe comes from friends and the jokes we share with one another, it comes from family members and their unconditional love and support for me. I love when friends and family are able to penetrate the barrier of lies and insecurities that depression creates, allowing me to feel love. Those are the days that make life worth living, and those are the days that keep me fighting and keep me strong. The extremes of depression are the worst. One minute you could be on cloud nine and the next minute you can feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. What is happening to me?
I will be seeing a counselling soon, hopefully soon, well maybe one day. It has been a struggle and distressing period trying to access services however, I would love to get to a place where I can know for certain, without a doubt in my mind, that I belong here in this world without the validation that comes from external forces.