I am sorry, Its Not My Fault

It’s been 19 years, I still can’t get my head round what happened to me. Is this normal, natural and real.

It doesn’t matter how many showers i have per day even after nineteen years, i still feel extremely dirty and filthy and i can smell there intense, disgusting and revolting body odours all over me. What honestly did i do to deserve this?

Every stupid, slight noise has got me jumping out of my skin, i am a stupid, foolish, weak, whimpering moron.

My partner thinks I’ve lost interest in him and that I’ve found someone else, for goodness sake it’s me. I genuinely have no idea what to say, most times it’s easier not saying anything. My mind is still playing tricks on me, and at times my lips are touching each other’s we are having sex. It is like i am being intimate with my abuser, i have had to recoil away from David, i had know other choice, it’s never went down well and its definitely not easy.

I know and understand by now i should have reached out and confided in David, what the hell would i say and how would I begin the conversation?

The thought of intimacy with anyone including my own partner just makes me feel sick and dirty, like i shouldn’t be doing this and i am doing something wrong.

He has tried to get me to talk and express my feelings about what’s going on in my daily life, he knows that i have been self harming, i just can’t hide that anymore, the last thing i want is hearing my own voice let alone the sound of his lecturing me.

I am still having problems sleeping, i wish i could get more at least i would forgot for a few hours, on the positive side at least i am having less nightmares. I feel so lightheaded and exhausted because of my sleep patterns, i want and need to sleep, every time i close my eyes he is there, i see him , standing directly over me. Seriously what I’ve i done to deserve this?

I was once happy, HONESTLY, even though i am taking part in activities and make the most of incredible experiences and opportunities i can’t remember a time i was truly happy, my life is ruined now, i just want this nightmare to go away. It would be amazing to wake up and it was a huge nightmare, it won’t unfortunately though.

Thinking back i realise that i could have protected myself in so many ways. If I hadn’t left my home that evening to visit my family or left my Aunties and uncles later than i expected then i wouldn’t be in this situation. I feel so stupid for not realising the consequences even when others were holding me down and that bastard was tugging at my trousers. To be honest it really didn’t cross my mind that he was going to do what he did. I thought maybe the worst that would happy would be stripping me naked and steal my clothes, i could have handled that but this.

I honestly wish they all killed me, at least i wouldn’t have to live with these consequences.

I have never been able to stop thinking about what happened 19 years ago is this normal? I’ve been replaying it in my mind since it happened.

I could see there figures in the pitch, black darkness of the evening, i could see them coming closer towards me, shouting offensive names, faggot, poof and battey boy, they eventually caught up with me, but didn’t think they were going to do that. They caught up with me, beat me to a pulp and dragged me to the group, taking it in turns to kick and punch me .

I begged and pleaded them to stop, they were like a pack of wolves, i honestly thought they were going to kill me. He sat on my chest continuing to call me gay boy and faggot. I couldn’t breathe, the only thing i could do was to spit on the bastards face. He hit the roof, went nuts and insane with me, my own fault really. I was hit so strong my nose and mouth were gushing with blood.

He got them to pin me face down and he did it, I can’t remember how long the incident lasted, all i remember is the extreme and horrendous pain. If i knew what was going to happen i would have walked a different direction. I honestly didn’t do anything to provoke him.

I probably look dreadful, i most definitely still feel it, I hate pretending that everything’s amazing and ok and have to put on braves faces where ever i go.

I feel so alone and depressed, i am concerned, frightened and worried just Incase he has done this to other people and I’ve done nothing about it. I feel so ashamed and I am a idiot, i hate myself for letting this happen. Honestly what kind of man am i, am i even a man, i hate myself as much as i hate him.

Steven Connelly

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